Crying In the Shower| A Mother’s Secret

I’ve never been scared to cry in front of Boo. But what do you do if the reason you’re crying is your child?

I’ve spoken before about Boo’s health hurdles – tomorrow she’s having an operation, it’s set to (hopefully) be simple and straightforward but with her complex health issues, I’ve had a knot of fear ever growing over the past few months. With a heart full of worry and a head full of what ifs’ I’ve found my worry spilling over in the form of tears… late at night in the shower.

Motherhood is strewn with worry: worry we’re getting it right, worry we’re doing enough, you name it and a mother has probably worried about it. It’s also my job to try as hard as I can to absorb all of Boo’s worries too. It’s never been a walk in the park but as the big day approaches, I have to be strong for Boo. Control is not something I relinquish easily – I like to be the bearer of solutions for any problem. Ask Boo what I can’t fix and she’ll proudly say there isn’t anything – but that’s not true, I can’t fix this.

Being a mother of a child who is ill has to be one of the most isolating and frightening things I’ve ever done. The fear and worry is relentless and builds up until you have to let it out. Surrounded by amazing family and friends is a comfort but unless you’ve been through it yourself you just don’t get it. The tears I cry are an almost physical pain that escapes during hot showers. They signify an animalistic fear, one that is very real. Also frustration: why can’t I fix this for Boo?

There’s also such a feeling of failure, Boo was born with the majority of her health hurdles – I failed as a mother right at the beginning. As I read the last sentence back I know that’s absolutely not the case but that doesn’t make it any better.

I like to think that the water washes away not only my tears but my fears yet still they return.

It’s my job to be strong for Boo – to champion her at her best and raise her at her lowest. There is no conscious room for my emotions. So with a smile and my hidden tears, I will carry Boo through this – just like every other mother.

I haven’t written this because I think I find myself in a unique position, I’ve written this because so many mothers go through exactly the same; there are countless tears cried by mothers in secret, burdened with staying publicly strong.

So until there is no need for tears of fear I will continue with my secret… crying in the shower.