I had intended for this to be a weekly diary of our time shielding but the theme of the first week was utter denial.
Denial that we’d be confined to our home for twelve weeks as part of shielding with no physical contact with the outside world.
Denial that we wouldn’t see any loved ones bar a weekly food drop from my Mum.
Denial of just how much of a toll this would take on both Boo and me.
Like closeness in the air, the denial broke at the beginning of week two only to be replaced with a constant internal monologue of desolation. and despair. At the risk of sounding like a melodramatic Brontë-wannabe, it was a process that needed to happen. All ‘this’ would have been unfathomable a mere six weeks ago and now this is our new; and for how long, who knows.
Denial took the shape of worksheets, PE with Joe Wicks and banana loaf and lots of all of them. Granted they’ll all return after the Easter break but like most things in balance and hopefully with more kindness to ourselves; this isn’t an easy journey regardless of how yours looks like.
Boo’s adapted like an absolute trooper and whilst no physical bravery has been required, her mental resilience and compassion reaffirms Boo the Brave as a worthy title. I’m fully aware that denial is at play here too, twelve is a number she’s comfortable trotting out in her timetables, not a period of time she can full comprehend spending at home. Is it wrong that I’m happy she hasn’t fully grasped it yet?
Silver linings of quarantine/lockdown to find the time to read amongst other things under the umbrella of slowing down are afforded to me through immense privilege, one I am aware many don’t have. There is a growing discourse of ‘we’re all in this together’ and that COVID-19 is a leveller; this couldn’t be further from the truth. Inequality is at play more now than ever and our inability to accept this and take steps to address this both in the immediacy of the pandemic and in the aftermath as a society is both reckless and plain wrong.
As an information junkie I’m surprised at how quickly I’ve switched off the news. I watch the daily briefing and read some news online when I wake up in the morning, I can’t deal with the constant counter-factual articles with no newsworthy information. I miss being connected with current affairs around the world.
Talking of missing I began the dangerous task of writing things/people I was missing with the purpose of mammoth to do/see after this. I soon stopped. Like all of you, I miss absolutely everyone and everything; perhaps I’ll give more space to this as the weeks pass but for now it feels too vast.
The survivalist in me keeps bringing me back to the thought that there’s no way this will last as long as some scientific models have suggested – can I survive beyond a basic physical level like this? Can I be the best for Boo if this continues for weeks, even months?
So there you have the first two weeks of our shielding, not a diary as such more of a rambling thought process – I imagine like this process it’ll grow and evolve over the coming weeks. Perhaps I’ll devote my time to writing a book, deep down I’ve always known I have one in me or perhaps I’ll spend cumulative hundreds of hours sitting on the end of my bed in a towel staring off into the distance. Who knows -the likelihood of either is pretty even.
This post has sat in my drafts for a few too many days before I pressed publish, there’s an uneasy trend of comparing people’s thoughts and experiences during this global pandemic, creating a hierarchy of suffering – this serves no-one and does nothing but divide communities, there is no prize for suffering.
